Does anything in life ever go as planned? Eh, maybe a short list of a few things, but definitely nothing about this pregnancy. That’s why I am not completely sure why I was so shocked when I had to learn the lesson that LB’s Journey is on God’s Timing, not mine.
It’s something that seems so obvious now.
All of our lives are based on God’s Timing. It doesn’t matter how much we prepare, stress, or worry because His will is to be done HIS way – but we often forget that in life. We wander around thinking that we are in control… ha!
And nothing else in my life has proved this more than my sweet LB.
Her timing & God’s timing trumps anything I think I might have the slightest control over
(maybe this is just a prelude to my future with this feisty one…)
They have both taken control of this entire pregnancy.
I was so stuck on the idea that my third pregnancy would be so “boring” because I had already been through it twice; I was, for sure, a pro at it by now… or so I thought.
They have showed me that this pregnancy is anything but boring. I think LB likes testing my limits already. Which makes me look into the future with a smirk because she’s already so much like her siblings and her dad.
I was seriously hoping she was going to take after me: quiet, calm, and sweet. Although, I don’t think that’s how my husband might describe me (;
All these signs letting me know I wasn’t in control and I still don’t understand…
Why I was so shocked her story got shared WAY before I was ready
I had been working on my blog for a few by weeks writing her stories and other posts. The blog was “live” but no one really knew it was there. I figured I would spend my last month or so before her arrival prepping my blog and creating social media accounts for it, but not really sharing it on my personal page.
I didn’t care if “random people” found it, but I had been planning for the past 7 months to wait until after LB was born to share her story with everyone we knew.
Like I said in previous posts, we were not hiding the fact that she has Down Syndrome, but I wasn’t ready to share that with just everyone yet. I wasn’t ready for the bombardment of comments, messages, and calls. I wasn’t ready to hear everyone’s sympathy. I wasn’t ready to share her with the whole world just yet.
I knew I wouldn’t be able to protect her from all the comments, stares, and feedback once she was here. So, I think this was my way of trying to shelter her and hold her close to me for as long as I could. There is so much going on with her journey that’s been out of my control, but this was one thing that I had power over, or so I thought.
Then, it happened.
I created my own FB page to advertise my blog on, but I had no friends – so surely no one was going to find my posts.
One night, as I was going through adding things to that page I accidentally shared LB’s story on MY PERSONAL PAGE! The one post that gets shared on my page and it was the first post in her journey (here), go figure! And I didn’t even realize this until people starting commenting, liking, and messaging me.
I thought I was going to cry. I was in full panic mode. My whole body felt like it was on fire, my heart was racing, and there was nothing I could do about it.
Each time I saw that little notification bubble pop up, I thought my heart was going to burst.
It was too late. I couldn’t take it back now.
So, I just went ahead and made everything public. I was going through adding people, sharing posts, and commenting back while hot, burning tears were streaming down my face.
I wasn’t just upset; I was livid.
Not with the people or their comments, but with myself. How could I have been so careless? I worked so hard to put it all together, to write with every emotion exposed so that once she was here people could understand why we kept it to ourselves and among our close circle.
And with one click, all of that was shattered.
I was exposed. My husband was exposed. And, worst of all, LB was exposed.
Why was this happening?!
It took me a day or so to realize the bigger picture:
It was God’s Timing.
Why that post? I had uploaded 4 other posts before then.
Why my personal page? Everything else I posted went directly to my blog’s page.
Why that moment? We were still more than a month away from her arrival. I had kept everything quiet for so long.
I don’t know and I’ll probably never know why it was shared then. All I know is that it was meant to be. It wasn’t my timing; it was His. He has a bigger plan for LB that I could ever imagine and it’s not my place to stand in His way.
Despite my emotions and fears, her story isn’t meant to be kept to ourselves. And it isn’t my job to determine when it’ll spread – He’s already taught me that.
Maybe at that moment, someone was searching for a story to connect with – for her story. Maybe they haven’t even found it yet, but it’s out there so that when they need it, it will be there for them.
Maybe LB needed it to be shared.
She still has a big journey ahead of her, it may simply be that she needs all the prayer warriors she can get right now. Perhaps I was being selfish and denying her that. Until God stepped in.
I may never know the why, but I do know the reason:
It was time.