Does God make mistakes?
I know the answer.
We all know the answer.
But sometimes it surely feels like He does.
Today, as I was sitting down feeling overwhelmed with everything, I let my mind go.
I let it go to that place I try to shield it from. The darkness and doubt that I try not to let sink it.
But, today, it went there.
It actually started last night. I laid in bed and all the worries from the days past started jogging my mind and I quickly prayed:
Lord, let me know that I am on the right path. Let me know I am doing the right thing. I feel so lost. I don’t feel like I am enough. I need you. I need the confidence you once gave me.
Then, the morning came.
I was looking for my sign.
Just a little something, it didn’t have to be big.
A smile from my not-so-smiley-morning-person of a daughter. A quick hug from my quickly growing little man. Or, even a small memorable moment of us all together enjoying something little…
But, it never came.
Almost immediately the kids were running around bickering back-and-forth.
The baby was at my feet in constant tears.
And I sat there fixated out in space.
It felt like the exact opposite of what I had prayed for. Maybe this was my sign.
Then, before I knew it, I let my mind slip…
It would be SO much easier just to send them back to school. I could work and not feel overwhelmed. I wouldn’t have to worry about their education, as much. It wouldn’t be my responsibility any more.
It would be so much easier.
When I felt the need to homeschool, the idea literally kicked me in the stomach. Both from fear and from intensity. I knew it wasn’t just my idea.
It was His.
I don’t think I’ve ever experience God talking to me. Never have I felt worthy of it. So, as much faith as I have had through life, that’s all it was.
Faith that I was doing right. That He was guiding us.
Faith that the right path would just unfold in front of us.
But, that’s not what this was.
This was literally an idea planted in my heart. Thoughts that went against what I believed. And, ideas that kept pushing through my doubts.
Then, there were scriptures, people, and situations that just pushed me forward. Realizing that it was God who was pushing me and planting this idea.
And, I had so much confidence it in.
Key word: had
4 months into this process. Of being a Stay-At-Home-Working-Mom. Being a mother to a child with special needs. Taking on the responsibility as primary mentor. And, the weight of it all finally started setting in.
The doubt, the fear, the exhaustion.
The simple fact that I don’t feel like I am enough.
It all becomes overwhelming.
So, this morning, as those thoughts that I have been keeping myself from drowning in started to flood in and I felt like I was sinking deeper and deeper into the darkness, a light went off.
I grabbed my daily devotional (which I happened to forget this morning) and began the next page in the book.
Then, there it was.
I read the first sentence, the very first sentence, and the hairs on my arm stood:
“Whatever task God gives you to do, He will give you the strength to do it.”
Are you serious?!
Thanks, God, I hear ya! My ears are open now.
I kept reading:
“Whatever dreams He plants in your heart (the exact phrase I have been using the whole time to describe how/why I came to this decision)… Whatever promises He makes, He will come through on it. For He never lies (okay, okay, I totally take back my question on if He makes mistakes…) So have faith woman, that you already have the ability to do what God has created you to do.”
SO HAVE FAITH WOMAN!
I stopped right there and just praised Him. Praised Him for speaking to me once again; because, He didn’t have to. He could’ve made me tough it out. He could have continued to test me; but, He knew I needed His reassurance and He gave it to me.
How amazing is that?!
Now, I am not going to sit here and say my day from this point on was all Mary Poppins and butterflies. We didn’t Magic School Bus it into the learning zone. The kids didn’t stop their bickering. And, I think I’ve become immune to the baby’s cries.
BUT
I know that this is where I am meant to be. This is what I am meant to do.
I do not see the end result now. There is no way for me to know how this decision will impact our lives from here on out.
But, God does.
He knows.
He has confidence in me.
And where I lack in my own confidence, in my own abilities, that’s okay. Because, I don’t have to be strong enough to do this.
In fact
I am not strong enough to do this.
But, He is and that’s all that matters.
